Eating Hairy Penis?

Posted in writing, sex, Rants by jaz on Aug 8th, 2007

So when I go to moderate the comments for the website occasionally I find posts from people who actual read and enjoy my writing… Well the enjoy part is arguable. However, what I find most often are posts not unlike the one Tracy left for me most recently.

Copywriters can take your marketing materials to a whole new level by the way they craft their words eating hairy penis. They can write original copy, or refresh existing copy as well as edit and proof promotional or publicity materials for print or electronic publication busty mom blowjob.

I did the world a favor and removed the links from the text but you get the idea. I wish I had that kind of creativity.

Am I to believe that copywriters craft their words while eating hairy penis? and where does electronic publication busty mom blowjob fit in?

Cant wait to see how many search engine hits I get after this one.

Gotta go! Dinners ready and it smells like hairy penis again!

Another Day At The Office

Posted in future, books, girls, Fiction, writing, death, sex, drugs by jaz on Jul 21st, 2007

She smelled of sex. It was mind numbing. Her lipstick had pulled outside of the confines of her lips, dragged out onto her chin and various places it obviously should not have been. Her eyes lightly rolled back into her head leaving no doubt that she was under the influence of a litany of psychotropic drugs. Her chest heaved as she moved in my direction. she flipped her hair back. A flash of glistening metal. She had been modified. A shaft of medical grade stainless steel implanted directly behind the right ear. At specific intervals a dose of a high quality derivative of MDMA was injected directly into the ventral tegmentum. I’ve often wondered if Fritz Haber’s intent was to aid in the creation of mindless sexual automatons for the personal use of the rich and powerful in the 21st century.

In my line of work I have often had the misfortune of running into individuals such as this young woman. She once had a life, plans, dreams and family. Now her dreams consisted of heavy petting and hot violent copulation. The first time I encountered one of these poor souls I was not aware of the reality of the situation until my pants were around my ankles and she was bent over the hood of my Chrysler. Her screams were, I’m sure heard in the next province as I took core samples. Once I understood that her advances were not made at the behest of my stunning good looks I was appalled and even a little hurt. I held her down and unscrewed the reservoir of drugs from her skull. I now know that there is no going back for these people. The unspeakable acts that are performed on these young women are only tolerated under the influence of massive quantities of massively expensive drugs. The girl I liberated is now spending the rest of her life in a maximum security mental institution. The last male guard assigned to her cell block was found with his cock manually removed and forced into his lower intestine. I suppose it’s arguable that she was better off before I got to her.

I was standing in one of worlds best known underground members only sex clubs. I struggled to keep the whiskey in my glass as a lovely young lady who may have once been a literature major savagely pawed at my meaty parts. Just another day at the office. Lawrence Bishop was a revolting meatball of a man. I smelled his cheap cologne before I saw him. The irony that this man could buy and sell entire countries and yet still insisted on wearing the most inexpensive cologne available was not lost on me.

“Stacy! Come here!”

Bishops voice was all at once commanding and nauseating. Stacy’s head snapped in his direction as her hand froze on my manhood. Her eyes again began to burn with unexplainable passion as she sauntered over to Bishop and ran her hands over his elephantine chest.

“You will have to excuse Stacy here. If it has a cock she wants a piece of it.”

“If she didn’t you might never get laid Bishop.”

Bishop threw back his head and his numerous chins jiggled as he let out a horrendous gurgling laugh. Stacy looked up at me hungrily as she pulled Bishop’s flaccid lesion covered cock out of his pants.

“That’s why I like you Evan’s you don’t pull any punches do you, you old son of a bitch?”

I turned away from repulsive scene next to me and looked at the bartender as I drank down the rest of my whiskey. I needed to get this over with and soon.

“McCarthy sent me Bishop.”

Bishop ran his meaty paw through Stacy’s matted hair while I watched reality sink into his thick skull. I caressed the handle of the knife in my jacket pocket.

“And what precisely does Mr. McCarthy want from me?”

The bartender poured me another drink. Bishop continued,

“You can tell him he can have his daughter back if that would make things right between us.”

I swallowed the whiskey feeling it warm my stomach. I turned to face Bishop trying to avoid taking in the vision of Stacy suckling at his mutilated cock.

“You and I both know it’s too late for Stacy to go back. She can never truly go back.”

In one deft move I pulled my blade from my jacket and plunged all ten inches into Bishop’s non existent neck. Blood sprayed across the room spattering various stunned rich and powerful men. He fell to the ground clawing at the crimson gash. I bent down and pulled the knife from his body allowing more of his vital juices to splash out onto the floor. I wiped the blade on his 10,000 dollar Fioravanti suit and lit up a 5 cent smoke. I made my way to the door as Stacy continued to ravish the corpse of what was once one of the most powerful men in the world.

Oh-goddamn-Kay,

Posted in writing, Rants by jaz on Jan 9th, 2006

It’s a new year so I figured it may be time for a new blog. I hope your happy (Claire, I’m glaring in your general direction).
Ya see, I fight an ongoing battle with myself in regard to taking part in the “Blogosphere” (shoot me if I ever say that godawful word again). The problem is that I find the medium inherently caters to the self-serving and hackneyed kind of bullshit I hate. And don’t you feed me some shite about the blog being “The zine of the new world” because I don’t fucking care. I felt largely the same way about those fucking things. With the exception of precious few (Cometbus ect.) zines were nothing but trite and pretentious recycling bin fodder.
So, these days I find myself reacting to blogs in roughly the same way I reacted to zines in highschool. Spewing bile about how much they fucking suck and not having the balls and more imortantly the attention span to do it myself.
However, Life has gotten easier for the lazy and the stoner alike. Gone are the days of endless cutting and pasting, as are the late night trips to Kinkos. That, is what I DO like about this format: its easy. I can type out any kinda nonsensical bullshit that ruffles my feathers and…..CLICK…. Assholes everywhere get to see it.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s such a great idea. I really don’t feel all to passionately about my distaste for zines. I’ve got far more pressing things to worry about. I’m a very important guy. Yet I got to thinking about it on my short walk to get coffee and because its so damn easy…….Here it is.
The filter is now gone, destroyed by convenience and “user friendliness”. There was once a time……Long long ago, if you wanted to force your opinions on someone else you had to work for it. Late nights with your cutting edge electronic typewriter, the sickening sweet smell of rubber cement. Suffering for your craft.

So I say “Bring back the zine!!!”

….And get ME the FUCK out of here.

How its gonna be.

Posted in future, writing, Rants by jaz on Aug 25th, 2005

I will blog. I will tell you things you dont want to know.