Like most straight men with a set of testicles hanging from between their legs there’s a part of me somewhere that wishes I was capable of performing the ol’ fuck and flee on any pretty young girl which causes the blood to flow in all the right places. Unfortunately for me and fortunately for a few pretty young girls my parents chose to raise me with some respect for the fairer sex. It’s this engrained belief which has resulted in missing out on more than a few nights of filthy no-strings raunchy sex. On the second night of my first US tour I had one of the most painful experiences regarding my inability to treat women as objects. I had a girlfriend at the time and as if it’s not hard enough to be away from you significant other there also just happens to be all kinds of girls willing to offer their bodies for single serving use simply because you’re in a band. The show was in Seattle and there was a blonde girl with a figure that was capable of throwing babies into seizures. It was painfully obvious that this young lady was desperate to get a chance to try to damage my sensitive parts. And good god did I ever want them damaged. The way she presented it seemed like a perfect idea regardless of what any girlfriend’s, wives or priests had to say about it. Despite the fact that there was a part of me making a list of all the depraved acts I wanted to perform in, on, around and to her we had to leave that night to play Vancouver the next day. I proceeded to explain this to her and mentioned that she should ‘come on out’, as if it was just short drive across town to drop off some movies to the video store. I hopped in the van to leave certain that I would never see this girl again. However it seemed that this young lady was far more persistent than I gave her credit for. She did show up in Vancouver and this time she had brought back up. Between them, these three girls had enough curves to give a café racer wood for months. During our set I watched these predatory sex demons point at me while exchanging what I’m sure we’re tactical methods any army would kill for. After we had finished playing, they descended like vultures.

“We’ve got a hotel room a few blocks from here,” they told me “we’re just gonna go back and get naked. You should come over.”

‘Yes’ I thought, ‘I should come over. I should come right over. In fact we should leave right now. I’m not sure I have enough time to preform all the depraved acts I have written down in my note book here. Times a wastin!’

Although the reality the reality of the situation was that I didn’t say that in fact I didn’t say anything like that.

“Umm… That sounds really cool. I mean… I would love nothing more than to go back to your hotel where the three of you will be uhh… Naked. But I you know… Have a girlfriend”

I had figured that the unveiling of this information would be just cause for these ladies to relinquish their campaign. However, the one flaw in my rational was due to the fact that I had yet to learn one universal truth. That being that most girls wanna get laid as much as most guys do. The statements that followed were not unlike the ones I received later upon relating this story to many of my male friends.

“What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”

“It doesn’t count if it’s in another area code”

“When are you ever going to get a chance to have sex with three girls at once?”

It was this last rebuttal which had almost caused me crumble. I’d like to tell you that I’ve had plenty of chances to have sex with three girls at once. Perhaps I have and just didn’t realize it but I can tell you this; none since have been served in such a blatant and enticing fashion.

The four of us went back and forth for a while I leaned on the flimsy crutch of an excuse that was having a girlfriend. Finally they relented.

“Look, we’re gonna go back to the hotel take all our clothes of and smoke some pot. If you decide you wanna come by here’s the room number”.

So I stood there holding the golden ticket watching them walk away while they pawed at each others asses which I’m sure were the flavor of some exotic candy the likes of which I would never taste. As regret washed over me like a punch to the groin a friend of mine walked over and asked me,

“What the fuck did you just do?”

As I explained to him what I had repeatedly told my hunters it started to sound even more ridiculous.

“You’re a jackass.” He declared as he snatched the hotel number from my hand and disappeared into the night. I didn’t see him til the next day when he showed up at my hotel room. I had tried desperately not to think of the kinds of things that had gone on in that hotel room but I knew there was no way he was going to let me live in comfortable ignorance. He walked right up to me with a satisfied and smug look on his face smiled and said,

“Wanna smell my fingers?”

I told him that I couldn’t. I had a girlfriend after all.