Well, Ive done it. Ive beaten the odds. They told me it couldn’t be done. I looked Death square in the eye and said “The check’s in the mail……Bitch”. Thanks to everyone who sent me flowers and porn and to whoever it was who said “Dont die”. Now that Im feeling better Im 50 parts piss and 50 parts vinegar. Im gonna tear down the fucking walls and break these chains that bind us. Im gonna change the godamn world…..Well maybe Ill just have a smoke and some coffee.

Im without a doubt certain that I will wake up dead tomorrow. The inside of my throat has obviously become a testing ground for some sort of innovative biological weapon. Im sure that things would get better if I would stop smoking for a day or so….But that’s not gonna happen. I knew that the end was at hand when I came to and realized that I had been watching Will And Grace for 15 minutes. Perhaps I am already dead and this is hell. Back to back episodes for eternity.

While I slept someone took to my throat with a chainsaw. Taking vitamin C is like trying to swallow a baseball bat. My life is quickly coming to an end. And no, you cant have my records.

The music that you and your friends (If you do in fact have any) listen to is horrible nauseating tripe. You need to leave right now. Whatever you do don’t come back because your ruining my day. I am quite certain that if you hang around any longer you face will end up on the receiving end of some hot projectile vomit. Im sure that there is some mildly retarded socially inept guy whose 15 years older than you that would love to tell you your ass doesn’t smell. Go find him. Leave me alone. Im on the brink of death and I cant stand one more second of you or your tragic face.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you have never been inside of a comic book store in your life. And Im fairly certain that you rarely ever (if at all) leave your house. However, just because your completely devoid of any sort of simple deductive reasoning does not not mean you are incapable of finding the price on the cover of a comic book. Or maybe you are.
Your children… Your children are horrible little people with cold black hearts who im im sure will grow up to be horrible big people who steal and fight and end up naked and drunk on COPS. They will grow to hate you because you were incapable of controlling them or teaching them some semblance of social norms. They will hate you. But trust me…They will never hate you as much as I do. I fantasize about applying my converse to your asshole till the rubber hits the back of your teeth.

I need sedatives.